Papercut ~*~*~
by Rogue Angel Barton
Summary: All the small wounds add up...and pushes us one step closer to the end. And when the Darkness surrounds us, when we hear the silence of the Fireflies, when we feel the soulless Eyes upon us... and we see the Unknown Shade of Violet... we learn that Love..


~*~*~ Papercut ~*~*~

By: Rogue Angel Barton

No sleep+ sudden need to get the pain out+ frustrating Spanish essay+ pressure+ Need for one shot angst fic= This fic.

Look, people, this is a one shot. I really don't care if you guys don't like it. I'm in the world's worse mood. This might be OOC, I don't know since I'm not an expert on this character but I absolutely love her. She was the one that just happened to fit this part as well. 

Warning: Language, violence, angst and my attempt to figure out some things that exist. Beware!

However you have been warned! It's long too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wind blew the white, translucent curtains as it glides in through the open window. The room is shrouded in darkness. Papers and trash litters the once spotless dark purple carpet. The bed is unmade, and hasn't been for several days. A thick and heavy tension hung in the air, the silence deafening. The pale moonlight shone into the room, covering it in a thick fog like state. The wind merely howled through the hallow ears of the soulless shell in the room. A lone figure was slumped against the bed, her hair cascading around her face like a curtain.

It was all his fault you know. All of this, what she had become. Everything that she was at this point, it was all his fault. She wasn't like this before. No, never, damn him, damn him to hell.

Her eyes became glossy as the tears appeared once again. A strangled sob escaped from her raw throat. Not again, dear god not again, what the hell was wrong with her? Why does he always manage to do this to her? God damn him to fucking pits of hell. That's right, damn him, that's what she wanted to do. Have him burn, suffer like he's made her suffer. Make him feel his heart shatter into tiny pieces like hers have felt over and over again. Make him want to die, but then realize, he was already dead. Yes, there are things worse than death, she should know. The thing worse than death? 

To love, with all your heart. To have one person, break down all your shields without knowing it. To be so in love with a person, but can never have him. To be so numb from the pain, that you want even more pain just to feel something... anything.

A bitter laugh rang out despite the tears that still marred her pale and beautiful face. Her eyes fell to the angry red scars that shouted at her on her wrists. Pain, anything... to feel... Ironic wasn't it? The very thing that made her numb, was the only thing that could change it. Another bitter laugh escaped from her. Yes, her life, that's all it was about, pain, to be numb, to hate and yet love... the same passion that gave her to the strength to keep going, and yet damned her to live... live with the knowledge of his existence.

She wanted him to fry in hell. She wanted to torture him. She wanted to... oh fuck her treacherous heart. Fuck her heart, the ice heart that he managed to melt. Fuck it, she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to fuck him, yeah, she did. She just wanted to goddamn fuck him, fuck him all night long. She wanted to taste his sweet lips on hers. She wanted to lie safe in his strong muscular arms and feel content and for once happy in her life. But damn it, she was cursed to live a life of pain and loneliness. To be ruled by a destiny that she will never fulfill, to be cursed... to be... a freak.

Her eyes were far off as she remembered the first time she had met... him... the meeting that had changed her life.

~*~*~ Flashback~*~*~

She didn't see why she had to come to this school. She was perfectly fine in her old school, not to mention top of the classes. She supposed the others girls wanted her to socialize more. Truth be told, the people in her old school thought she was a freak, because of her special powers, and stayed away from her.

Her emotionless eyes clouded up for one minute. That's the way she's always been viewed as a freak, because of her past and what she was. Damn it... not now.

The teacher slowly walked into the room, her honey brown eyes shining, the perfect fit to the beautiful cloudless sky outside. She could hear birds singing from outside the long window by the corner where she now stood. The students hushed, afraid of being punished by the teachers. The girl snorted inwardly, fools, there are worse things to fear than teachers and mere punishments.

"Class we have a new student. Her name is Hotaru Tomoe. Please welcome her,"

At this point Hotaru stepped out from the shadows. She felt each pair of eyes on her, judging her based on her appearance. It made no matter to her, if they saw her insides, they would fear her even more. They would cower before her, treat her like the Goddess of Death, they would fear her... like they should.

"My name is Hotaru Tomoe. It's a pleasure."

The class shivered at her cold and emotionless voice. Her violet eyes sent a glare to anyone in the room who dare look at her. Soon everyone in the room gulped and looked at the frail looking girl with either distaste or fear... or both.

Fools, they finally cower in fear? They don't know her, not that she'll ever give anyone a chance to. No one knows her, and no one ever will. She shall remain alone, for eternity, alone with her pain and anguish. Damn, that was sure a lovely life.

A bitter and cynical smile touched her lips as she sat down next to Usagi. The blond winked at her as she smiled slightly, just to get everyone off her back. She knew she would be hearing from the other girls for her introduction. Damn it, couldn't she be herself? Always a facade, a mask... something no one would ever penetrate. How much longer would she have to pretend to be a shy, calm and frail girl? Couldn't she let her real self out? The one who hated life? The one who has been pushed to the end?

"Sorry Ms. Kanif."

Hotaru's head suddenly snapped up. That voice... so deep... so... silent. Her eyes widened slightly, dropping the dispassionate mask that her face was usually in. So... beautiful... so... breath-taking. He was dark, with an aloft kind of nature. His aura radiated with a kind of dark innocence, a kind of mysterious nature. A kind of rugged and not caring kind of look. His dark eyes twinkled as he walked by her.

~*~*~End~*~*~

That day he waltzed into her life, without a care, without a thought to her really. Who did he think he was? Who gave him permission to just, walk into her life? Who gave him permission to capture her attention? Who gave him permission to make her feel? 

With a tired and aggravated sigh, the girl pushed herself away from the floor and walked over to the window. A pale hand opened the curtains, yes, that's who was, Hotaru Tomoe. Was, she's wasn't the same girl that walked into that class that morning. After she saw him... she had changed forever.

Her violet eyes became steely hard. All the pain and anger, suddenly disappeared... as if they were just sucked out of her. That's who she was now, an empty shell. She'd had enough of the deep hatred and loathing she'd developed for the man she loved, now, it's simply there. Nothing caused her to feel much anymore... just more hate... or pain. Two things that she had come to accept were part of her life since she was 6 years old.

And then the day continued...

~*~*~ Flashback~*~*~

Violet eyes scanned the lunchroom as she walked through the doors. All went silent, and every pair of eyes was on her. She sent a glare around the lunchroom. Everyone snapped away from her and started talking once again. She smirked as she slowly made her way over to her friend's table.

She threw her bookbag on the table and sighed as she squeezed in between Usagi and Rei. She snorted as she listened to the girls' newest shopping trip. Her empty violet eyes looked blankly at her orange juice. Don't they ever think about anything except shopping and boys? Hormone driven shopaholics. No one would ever think they were the Sailor Senshis. No, they never acted like it. She bet anyone that if the world ends, it's going to be their fault. Never hers, no, she'll do anything to protect the human race... to achieve perfection... to end all evil...

(An: Me?)

Suddenly the lunchroom door slammed open. Once again, all eyes went to the intruder. Hotaru's breath caught in her throat... him... him... him...

Her inner Senshis cursed herself for her weakness. A Senshi... THE Senshi... had no... no use of this pitiful emotion called... wait... any emotion period. She was perfect... she was perfection... and no... no mere... boy, was going to ruin that for her...

Okay, not a mere boy. Let's try... hm... god? Yup, that's the one. His mysterious aura compelled her to unlock his secrets, each look, each movement... hypnotizing... So... beautiful... so...... perfect...

Her eyes widened as he started to walk this way. She felt her pale cheeks burn ever so slightly with a maiden's blush. His long legs, carrying his broad shoulders... small waist... his muscles moving under the white dress shirt he was wearing. His soft, silky dark hair swaying gently which each turn of the head... each penetrating look... 

Damn those eyes... so... exotic...so... beautiful... they stared at her battered soul. Opened the door, broke the shields, melted the frozen walls, destroyed her masks, saw right through her facades...

Damn bastard didn't even know he was doing it. Who would? Who would of thought a single look in her direction would leave her with nothing to hide behind? Who knew that a mere glance would leave her absolutely vulnerable?

Damn it, he was walking this way... her heart pounded faster, her cheeks began to grow warm, her blood sped through her veins. In her entire life she's never felt more.... more.... alive... more... more... human...

He was a mere arm's length away and getting closer. The world faded around her... this time, she wasn't catapulted into the world of death, destruction, and darkness. Instead this time, for once in her life... she was given a look, into the world... of happiness... of contentment...

Slowly, as if she had no control over her body, she rose. He was still coming closer, ever closer. She saw his eyes... dark pools... so dark... almost black. Captivating... hypnotizing... they held her in place, took her breath away... Deep... dark Prussian blue... midnight sky and the dark ocean depths.... hiding many secrets.... always so strong... so invincible... never yielding... always there... till the end of time...

A small smile appeared on his lips... enticing her.... drawing her closer to him. Lips... made by the devil himself, with the promise of soothing passion... she wanted to know how they tasted. Those lips on hers... slowly... caressing hers... gently... soothing her demons... the kiss.... of perfection.... to death...

Then her eyes widened slowly as he walked right by her. From the corner of her eyes, she watched as he slowly bent down. The smile became mischievous as the pair of strong arms encircled Usagi's thin waist. Then, the blond smiled and slowly turned her head. Then, time slowed down as her heart stopped. 

Their lips met, in a slow, passionate kiss. Usagi closed her eyes, but not before Hotaru saw the content and joy shining in her azure and crystal orbs. 

Hotaru blinked once and turned around. She picked up her tray, looked at the couple, and casually walked away.

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru looked down at the knife in her hands, and then down at the carrot she was slicing, there was nothing left except a pile of mush. She watched as the knife gleamed in the moonlight. She can never get away can she? Never... never... it never stops... she's always reminded of that girl... the girl she would have died to protect... her... hime...

Hotaru quickly turned around and walked out the kitchen, the knife firmly grasped in her hands. She looked at it as she walked into the bathroom. She looked at the white tile floor, well, it used to be white. Now... it was stained with red... her blood, some dried... it littered the bathroom floor. She walked over to the bathtub and sat down. She slowly picked up the knife... god... this was her only escape now. 

The sharp point of the knife slowly pierced into the delicate skin of her wrist. At once, blood flowed from the wound, life-giving fluid... if only that were true for her...

But that didn't stop her, she pushed it in further, drawing more and more blood from her. A frown appeared on her lips as she slowly drew it out. She watched as the blood dripped from the sharp blade. Damn it, damn HER.

With a scream of rage, she quickly brought the knife into her stomach. She felt the knife go in, piercing her stomach, she felt some pain... only a little. It never stops! It will never stop!

She stabbed herself, again and again, the knife drawing momentum from her pain, her anger. Damn it, DAMN IT TO HELL! THIS WILL NEVER END...

She stopped, and looked at the blood stained knife. It never stops...

The knife clattered on the floor as she stood up. She slowly stepped into the bathtub and striped. Not minding the wounds all over her body, she turned the shower on... as hot as it would go. Maybe if she were lucky... it would burn her... but no... it never will.

~*~*~Flashback~*~*~

Hotaru growled with annoyance as she stepped out from the school. The first day, finally over. Now she could go home and cower in the corner of her room. Great... another day in the life of Hotaru Tomoe. But today, she would have something else to cry about...

"Hotaru! Hotaru! Wait up!"

Hotaru rolled her eyes as she heard the yells of her princess. She was in no mood to see her, the blond... the one who had everything she ever wanted... 

"Hotaru! Come on!" The voice pleaded.

With another sigh, Hotaru gave in and turned around. She felt her insides freeze. Usagi was running up to her with the other Senshis, and in tow... was the guy. Usagi grinned as the guy merely growled. Usagi stopped in front of Hotaru, slightly out of breath and the smile ever present on her face.

'Ugh, what I wouldn't give to wipe that smile off her face.'

"Hotaru! I want you to meet a very special, also cute, guy! My boyfriend!" Usagi screamed.

The guy merely blushed as he looked at Hotaru, who was glaring at him, as always. A small smile appeared on his face as he held out his hand. Hotaru stared at it for a few minutes, before slipping her small hand in his. 

"Heero Yuy, nice to meet you." His deep and soft voice rang out.

Hotaru felt a warmth engulf her as their hands touched. She felt a ghost of a smile touch her lips as she became lightheaded. She looked down at their hands, and quickly pulled away. The smile faded as she realized that it was on her lips as her emotionless mask fell into place.

Heero Yuy, the name fit. Mysterious... strong... powerful... beautiful. She wanted to test it out, but no, she mustn't. They'll realize that something's up.

"Hotaru, Hotaru Tomoe. It's a pleasure." Hotaru responded in her usual monotonous tone.

She watched as his Prussian eyes flashed. It wasn't with surprise as she expected... but with... amusement? Some... shock, she could read it, but barely. He offered her another of his small and boyish smiles as she continued to glare at him. Usagi sweatdropped as she tugged on Hotaru's black shirtsleeve like a little girl.

"Hotaru Hotaru! Join us at the arcade! Please! Pretty please!" Usagi begged while jumping up and down.

Hotaru frowned slightly at her princess as Usagi continued to beg. She shook her head several times but Usagi continued her quest. Hotaru began to growl inwardly. Her hime was such a pest sometimes. Doesn't she get that she doesn't want to go? 

"Come on Hotaru, join us." A new voice pleaded.

Hotaru turned to see Heero with a lopsided smile and his Prussian eyes shining slightly with amusement, pleading with her. She controlled the blush that fought to appear on her cheek and felt the same light headed feeling again. She smiled ever so lightly and nodded. Then with an inward sigh, she allowed Usagi to drag her off to the arcade.

~*~*~ End Flashback~*~*~

She let the water wash over her. Her dark violet hair covered her face like a silk curtain. Her eyes stared at the bottom of the tub as she leaned against the wall. She felt the water hit her skin, but it wasn't hot to her. The bathroom mirror clouded with the steam as the boiling water continued to rain down upon her.

The blood started to wash off of her, making the water deep red. It slowly spiraled around and around before disappearing down the drain. She slowly looked up and let the water pound her delicate ivory skin. The water soon washed away to nothing the tears that stained her pale skin.

Heero Yuy... that was his name. The name that haunted her every night... every waking moment. There was never a time when his face didn't appear in her mind, when that name isn't heard.... always there, always haunting her, never letting her go. She loathed that name now. One point it was a saving light, the sun shine that could beat back the clouds... but now... it tormented her. It never let her alone; it drove her to the point of insanity... and pushed her further than her breaking point.

Why? Why did this happen? This... all of this... how everything ended up. Why couldn't things be undone? Why did it have to end like this? GOD DAMN IT WHY?! NO ONE EVER GAVE HER AN ANSWER. WHAT THE HELL HAD SHE DONE TO DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT?!

With a scream of pain and anger, Hotaru smashed her small fist into the white tile wall. Trails of dark red slowly glided down the smooth wall and mixed with the water. She bit her bottom lips as she tried to hold back the tears. She thought she had no more tears to shed... she thought that she had shed them all.

Slowly, she curled up into a tiny ball, her shoulders shaking. As she slowly opened her eyes, just let the tears fall... again...

The water just continued to pound down on the small and frail girl... as if to wash away her tears... her pain...

~*~*~ Flashback~*~*~

Hotaru executed the perfect back flip. She looked down and her sights fell upon the shocked expression of her opponent. She felt a small smirk tug at her lips... yes... this was where she belonged. Landing on the floor with grace none of her friends knew she possessed, she struck, quick and deadly. Her opponent's eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlights, and gasped as her blade came speeding at his chest. A mere centimeter away, it stopped, and then casually tapped him on the shoulder.

The boy's eyes rolled back into his head and then fell to the floor in a heap. The crowd around her exploded with laughter and applause. With a small triumphant smirk upon her features, the girl bowed to the unconscious body. She looked over to the other senshis. Haruka and Makoto were cheering her on, Ami and Michiru were blushing and clapping, while everyone else stood there shocked. She had just beaten one of the best in the school, without ever challenging another person. Hotaru looked down at her new rapier, gleaming in the sunlight. Her black hair rolled down in waves as she took her helmet off. She loved to fence... 

She looked as the students look at her with a new fond respect... which was mingled in with fear. Yes... they have seen what she could do. She was a Goddess, the Goddess of the Battlefield. Her mother was Death, her Father was Destruction, her friend was War, and her servants were the lost souls of Soldiers. She felt at home in battle, she was free whenever she fought... she was the perfect Soldier. One born into war... to end all imperfections...

"Come on, let's have a match."

Hotaru stiffened at the sound of that cool and collective voice. Before she even turned around, she knew who it was. Only one person's voice sent shivers down her spine, only one person's touch made her feel lightheaded... only one person has ever made her feel... anything...

She turned around to look upon the handsome but cocky face of the Prussian eyed youth. He was dressed in the usual fencing uniform... white... he still looked deadly in it though. He slowly put on his helmet and picked up a rapier from the rack. Hotaru merely smiled slightly and popped the helmet back on. Their rapiers touched as they circled each other for a minute.

"FIGHT!" 

The minute the teacher gave the starting point, Hotaru automatically lunged at Heero. Heero stepped back, shocked by the power and aggressive nature of this petite girl. He had seen her fight; she was skilled, very skilled. Heero had barely enough time to dodge the sharp blade and saw his opening for an attack. 

Hotaru was amazed by his skill. Sure, he had to be good to challenge her after her little demonstration... but this good? She growled under her breath as she diverted another powerful lunge. Her violet eyes clouded with worry for a second. What if she couldn't beat him? 

Click. Clank. Click. Clunk. Clank.

The two of them went back and forth in the struggle, both trying to gain the upper hand. Hotaru then sighed slightly... she was bored. She knew he could provide much more fun than this. Her eyes turned an eerie black as the thirst of a good fight over came her. Her attacks became more powerful and direct. 

Heero was shocked as she put forth another wave of attacks. This time, it was more powerful... and deadly as well. His Prussian eyes sparkled as the soldier within him resurfaced. He hadn't had such a match in ages... perhaps he will be satisfied with this one...

Prussian blue clashed with violet as the two locked glazes. Their bodies dodged and stunk, but their eyes were on the others. It was just some bond that held them together...something that made them just connect automatically. Perhaps it was the thirst for a fight, perhaps it was the need for the others power and skill to satisfy them... whatever it was... it fueled them.

Hotaru's inner soldier briefly told her that she had been fighting Heero for about half an hour. She was shocked, no person... no mere... mortal had been able to keep her busy for more than ten minutes. And yet, he didn't seem to be stopping any time soon, quite the opposite... he seemed to be getting stronger. With each powerful attack, she could feel her hunger growing, instead of quenching it like she had hoped. She could just go on and on... after all, she had eternity to spare...

"Alright you two! That will be enough for today, good job!"

The two reluctantly broke their gaze and stepped away. Heero and Hotaru both bowed first to the other, then to the teacher. Hotaru took off her helmet and sent a glare Heero's way. That fool simply smirked and walked away. Hotaru frowned and walked out the training room to change.

As she walked out, she felt a smile appear on her face. He had smirked at her! She wanted to jump around like an innocent schoolgirl at that point! God he was so cute with that smirk!

Hotaru suddenly stopped and blushed. She had just realized what she had said about Heero Yuy. She never had such thoughts for any one! The only emotion that she had felt that was remotely like that was the love she felt for Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama, but that was different. They were her parents, and she loved them like a child should love her parents. But for Heero Yuy...?

Her brows furrowed as she began to change. What did she feel for Heero Yuy? What made her react to him the way she did? Perhaps it was a mere crush? All crushes fade with time, but what surprised her... was that she had a crush on someone. She had never had that before... never had she felt... anything remotely like what she felt at this point. 

Hotaru stepped out from the locker room. To admit the truth... she was 16... and Heero Yuy has been her first crush... she hadn't even thought any guy was cute before this! She wasn't like the other senshis who cared about this stuff... she simply wasn't. She was Hotaru Tomoe, the Senshi of Destruction and Rebirth... she just doesn't think about that stuff.

"Good match. I'm impressed."

Hotaru immediately snapped around at the sound of that voice. She saw Heero Yuy leaning against the wall behind him... looking like a dark god! Wearing black baggy jeans, a camouflage muscle tee, and a black leather jacket, Hotaru noticed all his lean muscles. She felt her insides explode with excitement, but outwardly kept her cool.

"Same..." She managed to croak out in an even and almost bored voice. 

Hotaru tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she began to get nervous. She heard a low, deep chuckle from the man in front of her. She looked up and saw his Prussian eyes light up with amusement as he studied her. Feeling his intense gaze on her, she fought to keep the blush from appearing on her face. He nodded once or twice and then smoothly pushed himself from the wall. He slowly walked to her... a mere inches away. He gave her another one of the lopsided smiles that sent Hotaru's heart racing.

"I didn't impress you much it appears. I liked it. We should have a rematch sometimes... counting as how we didn't finish..." 

Hotaru couldn't fight it off any longer as the palest of pale blushes stained her ivory skin. She simply nodded. Suddenly, Heero's hand slowly tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear. Hotaru couldn't take it anymore. She felt her insides melt, her senses come alive, her blood pounding in her ears. Her violet eyes took on a new light, something brighter than anything ever seen in those eyes before. A spark, a simple, single dim spark, but it was something. 

"See you tomorrow..."

Another second later, he disappeared. Hotaru slowly looked around for any signs of Heero. Her brows creased, as she didn't see any signs that the youth had previously been there. With a rare and small smile, Hotaru swung her bag over her shoulder and headed for the door.

~*~*~ End ~*~*~

The mirror was all fogged up from the hot shower. A small hand slowly wiped away from fog. From the small space in the mirror, a pair of blank violet eyes stared at herself loathsomely. What exactly was she? Why was she so ugly?

A thin and pale hand slowly brushed some black hair away from her face. Her fingertips softly brushed against her cheek. Her small body shuddered. She wasn't used to a human's touch... not even her own. She looked at her pale skin... so pale... almost an unhealthy look to it. She was small and petite, many thought of her as frail and sickly. She did look it.

A crop of dark raven hair, almost black. It was short, and fell neatly to her shoulders. They were silky looking, like smooth and soft silk. She slowly shook her head, sending water everywhere. Her hair rolled in waves of water and then fell to her shoulders once again.

The most... unique and the thing that stood out the most about her were her shocking violet eyes. They were an unusual color for eyes. Her violet eyes were dark... despite its light color. They changed shades whenever her emotions changed. But usually they were a dull, lifeless, but beautiful violet.

"I'm ugly... not like..."

Hotaru choked on the last words. She wasn't like... her hime. They were as different as night an day. Usagi had long and beautiful blond hair that shined like the sun, a source of light. Her hair was black, associated with death. Usagi's skin was a healthy and smooth ivory; hers was a sickly and deadly pale. Usagi's eyes were bright blue orbs of love, innocence and emotion. Hers were dark pools of death and despair. Who was she to compare to the Goddess of Light?

~*~*~ Flash back! ~*~*~

The birds were chirping happily as the school exploded with life. The students all gossiped and talked about anything and everything. The Senshis were all sitting in class with an utter bored expression and passing telepathic messages to each other. They noticed briefly that one of them was missing between Minako's shopping trip and Makoto's newest crush. 

A growl escaped her pale lips. Her black leather duster flapped as she walked through the empty halls. The high heel of her black boots clicked and echoed though the corridor. Her dark grayish silver bellbottomish jeans fit her perfectly and hugged her curves. A black turtleneck sleeveless sweater showed off her womanly figure. Black leather, knuckleless gloves completed her sophisticated and yet sexy outfit.

Her violet eyes looked at the row of green lockers by the walls. On the opposite wall, a row of huge windows showered the hallway with light. She looked at the clock briefly, 1: 20... hm... she was about ten minutes late for her afternoon class... but then again the teacher was absent. Being a Senshi had its good points sometimes.

Her sensitive hearing picked up some noises a little further down the corridor. Soon, a gang of boys appeared in her line of vision. Five of them... seniors... football uniforms... jocks... bullies. Hotaru simply ignored them and continued to walk. She was now only a few feet away.

"Damn! Babe! You are hot!"

The boy with spiky blond hair and dark brown eyes started to catcall at Hotaru. Hotaru simply ignored him and continued walking.

"Awwwww babe! Come on... let's have some fun..."

Hotaru looked at the other boy from the corner of her eyes. Black hair, blue eyes, 6' 4", muscular... whatever. Once again, Hotaru ignored him as well. Don't they get no answer means not interested?

Suddenly rough hands grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. She briefly saw her attacker, silky dark brown hair and green eyes, before she was slammed into the lockers. Hotaru felt a shot of pain go down her back, but the soldier within her locked those thoughts away. 

"Woman, respect men. We tell you we want to play... we play."

Hotaru glared at this man. Who was he? Thinking that women were toys for men. She should teach him a lesson...

"Not interested."

The boy's green eyes flamed with amusement and anger. His lips curled upward in a mocking smirk as his face changed from a cocky but handsome one to that of a sick and demanding animal. Hotaru felt his hot breath on her cheek. A shrilled and mocking laugh sent shivers down Hotaru's back.

"No bitch, you think you have a choice. Funny. Really funny." The boy said.

"Bastard." Hotaru whispered as she shrugged to break from his gasp.

Hotaru glared at him and then spat in his face. The boy whipped it off then glared at her with a growl. He slapped Hotaru across the face as he lips were pressed into a thin line. Suddenly he bent forward and crushed his lips against Hotaru's. Hotaru's eyes widened as fear gripped part of her. No... not this way... even if she was who she was... this can't be how her first kiss turns out...

In a last attempt, Hotaru brought her knee up, hard to the boy's groin. Green eyes widened as the pain hit them hard. The boy stepped away and sank to his knees in pain. His friends looked at him with wide eyes. 

"YOU FUCKING BITCH! GET HER!"

The two other boys started advancing towards Hotaru. For once, the senshi felt fear...

"NO GOOD BITCH!" One boy screamed before slamming her into the lockers.

Hotaru bit her lips and attempted to get him off. But the boy was too strong. Meanwhile, the other punched Hotaru in the stomach repeatedly. Hotaru's mind clouded with pain as she felt blood drip from her mouth.

"STOP!" 

Hotaru turned her head slightly to see a dark shadow slam into the boy holding her. She slid to the floor a little and then balanced herself. The mysterious figure quickly disposed of her attackers and raced to her side. Hotaru bit her lips and looked up to see her savior.

Hotaru felt her eyes widened as her eyes fell upon the unruly brown hair her protector. His Prussian eyes were twinkling with concern as his face wore a look of worry.

"Hotaru? Are you okay?" His usual monotonous voice was heavy with worry.

"I'm... I'm fine..." Hotaru croaked out as she held her stomach in pain.

"No... you're not. Come on..." Heero said before helping Hotaru off the ground.

Hotaru tried to step away from him but failed as another wave of pain hit her. She lost her balance and fell into the ready arms of Heero. Hotaru held a mild blush paint her cheeks as Heero helped her to the nurse. Her violet eyes shone with a new light for the first time in a while. A small smile touched her lips as Heero allowed her to lean on him. Hotaru basked in his warmth, his strong arms, and his caring nature...

In this world of harsh imperfection with people trying to take advantage of others and being so cruel...

He was a knight...

A knight in shining armor...

~*~*~ End of Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru smiled bitterly at the memory. Knight in shining armor, yeah right. The knight that existed in the world of harsh realities and imperfection. As if, no, there was no way in fucking hell that Heero Yuy was such a man. No way...

Hotaru looked into the mirror that had now cleared of the fog. She looked at her body... nothing... She looked to her clothes piled on the floor, everything was stained with dark red blood... her blood... yet on her... there was nothing.

A frown appeared on her lips. Another part of her curse... the curse that everyone called a blessing, a gift. No, it was no gift, not to her anyway. To Hotaru Tomoe, her ability was a curse, another thing to make her fucking life worse than it already is... however possible that was.

People knew about Hotaru's weird, freaky, strange... whatever you wanted to call it ability. It was one of the reasons that she was considered an outsider when she was younger. It was the reason that she was shunned by other kids, it was one of the reasons why people looked at her in fear and avoided her. Hotaru Tomoe had the ability to heal. 

A blessing and gift people said. The ability to heal any and every wound. The ability to save a person from death. She could end all suffering on earth, she could help others... bullshit. All of that is fucking bullshit. It is a curse, a curse that makes her all the more different. A FUCKING CURSE!

Hotaru ran her hand down her stomach. Not a mark... not even a scar... all of the stab wounds, all the cuts... healed... a miracle...

Bullshit, all of that, fucking ass damned in hell shit. The ability, it kept her from ending all of this. It kept her from escaping from her fucked up world. It kept her from finally having peace... it kept her from getting rid of the pain... the memories that haunted her every day, every night, every waking moment of her damned life...

What good was stabbing yourself with knives, and slitting your wrist, and cutting your own throat if you can't die? What was the use of attempting suicide every single day if you'd heal anyway?

And that made her damned, damned to hell on earth, damned to live...

~*~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~*~ 

Hotaru sighed with annoyance as Minako and Usagi dragged her through the door. Her violet eyes scanned over the crowd, very packed... too packed.

Teenagers everywhere, an unsupervised party on Saturday night, spare her. As quickly as Minako and Usagi grabbed her, they just as soon disappeared. Hotaru sighed with annoyance and frustration as she looked around for her two friends. Too many people first off, and two, too many blond. With another growl, Hotaru squeezed through the many people. By the looks of it, the entire school was in that one living room. Despite her best, Hotaru began to feel out of place and almost anxious. 

Finally reaching the sodas, she grabbed a Sprite and took a sip. Teenagers, blah, one of the worse and best things on earth. Hotaru rolled her eyes as she spotted couples lick locking, on the couch... and the corners... and the kitchen... and the on the tables, and the dance floors. Damn hormone driven idiots, if they only knew the real horrors of the world... 

Shaking her head, Hotaru got rid of those thoughts. She would never wish upon others what she knows... and have seen. Most people couldn't handle it... she couldn't handle it.

"Want a beer pretty lady?"

Hotaru snapped up to look at the guy who had asked her that. Tall, blond, green eyes... uniform... jock. He had a cheesy smile and a beer in his outstretched hand. Hotaru sent him a look and whispered a 'No thank you'. No matter what, Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa always raised her to be polite.

Hotaru looked around the room once again. She couldn't believe how the other girls got her to come. She'd rather be home reading a book or taking a bubble bath. Another quick scan turned up empty. Hotaru looked down at her watch, 20 minutes, a new record. Her last part only lasted for about oh... 10 minutes? Time to bail... or at least get some air.

Hotaru sighed and stood. Looking around, she finally found the door to the outside. Squeezing through cracks and hormone driven couples, Hotaru barely made it to the door. She took in a deep breath as Hotaru escaped from the party. Her eyes widened at the sight... she had forgotten it was a beach house...

The house was standing on a cliff that overlooked the ocean. Hotaru leaned against the railing and looked at the dark sea... so deep and mysterious. The sky was dark purplish blue, with thousands of stars littering the black velvet sky. Hotaru felt a smile tug at her lips. Beautiful... the earth was so beautiful...

Hotaru closed her eyes and let the ocean wind play with her silky hair, as dark as a raven's wing... The sound of the crashing waves below filled her senses. So peaceful... one of the reasons that Earth is actually worth protecting...

"Enjoying the scenery?" 

Hotaru opened her eyes and the hard-set features took over. She glared at the man standing next to her only to see an amused smile upon his lips.

"Am I intruding?" He asked in a silky voice.

"No." Hotaru replied in her usual monotone voice.

Silence settled over the two like a thick fog. Hotaru played with her hair nervously. What was she supposed to say? To do? If only this kind of stuff came with a manual...

"Are you enjoying the party?" His voice suddenly asked with slight discomfort.

Despite herself, Hotaru snorted at his question. Blue eyes regarded her with mild shock before lighting up with laughter. A low and melodious chuckle broke the tense atmosphere. Wild brown hair swayed in the wind as he shook his head. Hotaru felt a light blush light her cheeks as she bowed her head in embarrassment. Heero watched her and suddenly sighed.

"You're not like any girl I know..." 

"Is that a good thing?" Hotaru snapped with raw emotion.

Heero looked at the girl besides him. So far she'd seem reserved, kept her thoughts and emotions to herself, cold to a certain degree. But just then... her voice... so raw with emotion. He heard the bitterness, the anger, the sarcasm... the pain that dripped from each syllable. His eyes dimmed with worry and understanding. He was like that once, so closed off to the others, and yet so open. People just never really listened...

"It's in a good way."

Hotaru suddenly snapped to look at Heero, her violet eyes wide with disbelief. Heero simply looked down at the shorter girl, watching the beautiful and rampaging emotions that passed and flashed through her eyes with amazing speed and beauty.

Hotaru watched as the man before her began to read her like an open book. No, must not be...

In an attempt to shake him off, Hotaru quickly turned her eyes back to the bottomless sea. Heero watched as the waves reflected in Hotaru's empty violet eyes. The blank look was soon replaced with one of contentment. Heero smirked... ever changing like the sea...

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hotaru and Heero both turned around quickly. The scream came from inside the house...

The two ran into the house and squeezed between the crowd. Their eyes held no emotion as they reached the center of the circle. A girl... blond... on the floor... in a white blouse... stained with her own blood. The two quickly knelt by her as Heero took her pulse. 

Hotaru heard a gasp and turned to see Usagi and Minako being hugged by some of the other Senshis. Ami turned to Hotaru, her eyes pleading with Hotaru... pleading with her to save the girl... to use her gift.

Hotaru turned back to the girl on the floor. Her brown eyes were still open as they glazed at her with fear. Hotaru gripped her hand and slowly soothed her hair.

"A-am I going to die?" The girl croaked as tears rolled down her ivory skin. 

Hotaru shook her head quickly as Heero checked her gunshot wound. The girl gripped Hotaru's hand as a wave of pain hit her. Violet eyes clouded over with indecision... 

Would she steal another person from death's door? Will she risk all that she has to save this stranger that she has never met before...?

"Please... kill me... it hurts so much..." The girl sobbed.

Hotaru frowned and bit her bottom lip. What was she to do...? It hung in the balance... she would decide the life or death of a person... a living breathing human being... that has never done anything wrong...

Does the Senshi of Death and Destruction give life...? Or will she take it like the many times before...? Balance... one light is extinguished.... another shall be lit...

Several medical personal pushed through the crowd and asked Hotaru to step away. Hotaru stood up numbly and watched as the paramedics tried to revive the girl. However the girl's brown eyes stay fixed on Hotaru's violet ones. Just stared straight into them... unbreaking...

Hotaru suddenly gasped as images of the girl's life flashed through her mind. 

A browned haired man in his 50's and a blond woman in her 40's standing in front of a huge white house...

A small baby with big brown eyes and beautiful blond hair in a crib...

The blond girl around 5, hugging a baby with dark brown hair and green eyes...

The girl's first day of school...

The blond girl around 8 petting a golden retriever pup...

The girl... older... 13... on the porch of her white house... kissing a boy with black hair at night... her first kiss...

The girl's first day of highschool...

Cheerleading practice...

Having a sleepover at her friends...

Kissing this guy... three weeks ago... a boy with a football uniform on...brown hair... green eyes...

Two weeks ago... the girl running with tears running down her face... the boy broke up with her...

One week ago... the girl taking sleeping pills...

The girl lying on a hospital bed with tears running down her face...

Hotaru shook her head as the barrage of images stopped. She blinked once or twice and realized that she was still staring into the girl's brown eyes. But now... they looked panicked...

__

Please...

Hotaru's heart stopped as she heard the girl's frightened voice in her head. The blood drained from her cheeks as Hotaru realized that she could not break the girl's glaze.

__

Please help me... I know you can... he said you could...

The soft brown eyes were now pleading with Hotaru, with such intensity and trust that it scared the violet-eyed girl. Why would anyone trust a stranger like that? And who told her?

__

He said you could steal me away from his door... he said you could!

Hotaru's heart broke at the pleading tone in the girl's voice. So it was him... Why was he doing this to her?! 

Hotaru's heart tightened as she felt the girl's breath slow as her respiratory system started to shut down...

__

Please! Oh god please! Help me! How could you just leave me like this?!

The dark haired one felt the girl's heart slow down...

__

I know I wanted to die... but not now! Not this way!

Hotaru's blood ran cold as she felt the blood in the girl's body slowly stop circulating.

__

Please help me! Please! I'm begging you! I have so much to live for!

Hotaru watched as the girl's eyes flashed with every emotion she thought existed. But the betrayed look upon the girl's features struck Hotaru... they both knew it was too late... 

__

I thought you would help.... he was wrong... you're always going to be Shinimegami...

Hotaru watched as the girl's eyes dimmed to blank orbs. Her chest stopped rising and falling. Her head rolled ever so slightly to the side as someone let out a heart-wrenching sob. Hotaru just stood there, motionless as she continued to stare into the lifeless brown eyes of the girl she could have saved.

"Hotaru... why don't you go outside?" Heero's soothing voice told her.

Hotaru looked at him briefly before numbly walking out of the suffocating room. She felt as if everyone was looking at her, as if she was in a very small space. Uncharacteristically, Hotaru burst from the house and gasped for air as the frigid winter air chilled her. Violet eyes exploded with pain and fear as she gripped the cold metal bars of the fence. As the smooth, cold metal came in contact with her hand, Hotaru felt herself calm.

Her eyes clouded over with tears that refused to fall. She had taken another life... not directly, but she allowed another innocent soul that never got a chance to live die. And the girl had so much faith that she would save her...

Hotaru felt the wind caress her hair almost lovingly, as if to tell her that everything would be okay. She was a child of nature... even though no one thinks Death and Destruction is part of nature. IN order for something new to come to being, something else must cease to exist. That was a balance of nature. If there was no death or destruction, there would be too much of everything around, and nothing would be accomplished or appreciated. Hotaru kept the balance; she was the balance...

Hotaru wrapped her arms around herself. She slowly closed her eyes. She could never get away from it. The battles with evil beings trying to take over the world stopped, but the battles... no, they will never stop for her. 

"Hotaru?"

Hotaru quickly wiped the tears away and snapped around with her usual emotionless mask in place. She watched as Heero's eyes shined with worry for her once again and took a few steps closer to her. Hotaru stepped back and once again turned around. She looked up at the sky full of stars. However her eyes caught sight of another star, one so bright... young...

"A star is lit for every angel that gets there wings... for every new life on Earth..."

Heero's sensitive hearing picked up on Hotaru's whisper. His Prussian eyes watched her. What was she talking about? Was that guilt in her voice? Did she think it was her fault the girl had died?

"The girl was shot by accident. Some of the jocks were playing with a guy's gun..." Heero said trailing off.

Hotaru nodded numbly. A freak accident. A beautiful and young life ended because of the stupidity of others. Doesn't man kind ever learn? Or will the past mistakes haunt them forever?

"You... wanna go home?"

Hotaru turned around nodded. She walked over to Heero as he began walking from the house. The numbness just won't go away...

"Are you okay?"

Shinimegami looked at Heero's questioning intense blue eyes and nodded once again. She didn't trust her voice... she was afraid she would crack...

"Come on."

Suddenly a strong arm wrapped itself around Hotaru's shoulders. The girl snapped to look at the man next to her in surprise as he smiled at her reassuringly. Hotaru felt the numbness go a way, and was replaced by a strange but comfortable warmth. The tense lines in Hotaru's forehead melted away as her face changed from an impassive one to a soothed and comforted one. Her violet eyes brightened and the darkness went away. She was content...

"We're here..."

Hotaru looked at the motorcycle before her. Heero hopped on and mentioned for Hotaru to do the same. Hotaru swung her leg over, and hesitantly wrapped her arms around Heero's washboard abs. She felt a blush rise in her cheeks... so close...

As the motorcycle traveled down the road at high speeds, Hotaru felt the air blowing through her hair and closed her eyes. She felt as if she flying, freely above the clouds, without a worry in the world. Everything slipped away, leaving in mind only the sensation of being carefree, absolutely free. Nothing plagued her mind as she unconsciously hugged the warmth near her. Her mind went blank, and experienced absolute contentment... the way a teenager should...

The bike slowly pulled to a stop in front of the senshis' house. Feeling reality hugging at her, Hotaru opened her violet eyes and looked around. Once again the world has managed to pull her back into the binding restraints that was her life. Slowly, Hotaru let go of Heero's waist and got off the bike. Her movements were slowly and hesitant, as those of someone older.

"Thank you." Hotaru said with the tiniest hint of emotion in her voice.

  
"You're welcome..." Heero said while looking intently at the girl. There was something about her.

The two stood there for what seemed like an eternity, Hotaru standing there two inches away from Heero with her head down, and Heero who was staring at the petite girl in front of him... trying to solve the enigma that are her eyes.

"Well, good night." Hotaru suddenly said to break the silence.

"Er... yeah. Good night Hotaru. See ya." Heero stuttered as he revved up his engine.

Hotaru watched as he disappeared down the dark street. With a sigh, she turned around and walked into another night of living hell.

~*~*~ End ~*~*~

Hotaru stepped from the bathroom in a clean dark purple spaghetti strap tank and baggy black parachutes. She looked around her apartment. Disguising. Garbage, papers, pizza boxes and such littered the entire floor. Clothes were thrown about and not a single inch of the floor could be seen. Rolling her eyes, Hotaru kicked some things out of the way and grabbed her leather jacket.

Living with Michiru for several years taught her things about cleaning, but she just didn't care anymore. With a sigh of frustration, Hotaru attempted to get out of her house. She had moved out when she was 16, the same year that she joined the others at school. Then since then, she's been living by herself.

Walking out of the run down apartment, Hotaru picked a random direction. Hugging her jacket close to her thin body, Hotaru stuffed her hands into her pockets. Walking with her head down, she felt people walk away from her to give her room. She felt their stares on the back of her head as they tried to figure her out.

'Good luck trying.' She thought with a bitter smirk. 'I can't even figure myself out.'

As she reached the end of her block, Hotaru turned around to look at her home. It was a three story tall, brownish red building with chipping pain. Several windows in the front were broken, but the residents, too poor to fix them, put tape over the holes. Hotaru looked around her neighborhood. This is what she has been reduced to. It was one of the worse neighborhoods in Japan. Prostitutes roamed the streets day in and day out in hopes to find a customer. Stores were never open pass dusk in fear of robbery. In the past year, there had been 78 murders and 758 muggings. Not the safest place to be for a young girl.

Hotaru laughed at the irony. There she was, Hotaru Tomoe, the one who used to live in one of the biggest mansions in Japan, and then in the Park Avenue area of Tokyo, reduced to living in the filthy scum of the underworld. Walking once again, Hotaru felt another memory surface.

~*~*~ Flashback~*~*~

"Rei! Be careful with that box!"

Hotaru turned around to see the dark haired priestess walk past her with a box. Minako was behind her, yelling at her to be careful. A smile appeared on her face as she watched Quatre and Duo carry in the sofa. Hotaru wiped her forehead.

"Hey Hotaru! Where do you want this thing?!"

Hotaru smiled her thanks at Wufei and pointed to the corner as he, Heero, Haruka and Trowa pushed the grand piano into her apartment. The sun was shining brightly and spilled in through the huge open windows. The senshis and boys were helping her set up her new apartment. Hotaru's nose wrinkled in joy as she thought once more of the freedom she now had. She was 16, with a huge apartment with a gorgeous view in uptown Tokyo.

"Hey Hotaru! Guys! Come get lunch!"

Everyone's face brightened at the sound of lunch. They all raced into the kitchen, where Michiru, Makoto and Ami were prepared with sandwiches and apple cider. They all sat down anywhere in the huge living room as conversation soon broke out.

"Hey Hotaru! This is a tight crib. Nice babe, very nice."

Hotaru smiled at Duo as the chestnut haired boy winked at her. Ami's boyfriend, Trowa, nodded his agreement.

"It has a beautiful view." The silent boy complimented.

"Hey guys! I'm back!"

Everyone turned to see Usagi walking through the door with several bags. She set them down in front of everyone and sighed with relief.

"Wow, those were heavy!" The blond screamed.

"Thanks Usa! Chips!" Minako screamed as she grabbed some chips from one of the bags.

"Minako! Those are for Hotaru!" Usagi reprimanded.

"It's okay Usa-sama. Minako can have them." Hotaru said with a smile.

Usagi simply shrugged and walked towards Heero. Heero smiled at his girlfriend and pulled her into his lap. Hotaru attempted to ignore the couple by talking to Ami and Trowa.

"Heero! Stop it!" Usagi screamed as Heero purred into her ear.

Hotaru watched the two from the corner of her eyes and felt herself frown. A wave of an unknown emotion washed over her as she glared at the blond. Suddenly, Hotaru stood up.

"Excuse me, I think I should start setting up my room." Hotaru told the others in a monotonous tone.

Everyone turned to look at Hotaru as she walked out of the living room.

Hotaru slowly placed her clothes into the dresser. Her hand ran over the smooth fabric before closing the drawer. She turned her attention to the bed and began putting on the bedding. Several minutes later, she covered the bed with her black comforter and looked at her room. Her lamps were still there, and showered the room with their soft glows. She looked around, sparse.

A knock on her door caught Hotaru's attention.

"Come in."

Heero suddenly appeared with a box. He smiled at her and cocked his head.

"Where should I put this?"

Hotaru shrugged and pointed her hand towards the corner. Heero put the box down and looked at her room. Everything was dark colored, from the dark purple carpet, to the black bedding, to the dark blue curtains. Heero looked at the numerous lamps in her room. He never expected a girl's room to be so sparse. 

"Is there anything else?" Hotaru asked.

"No. I guess. Are you okay?" Heero asked awkwardly.

"Everything's fine."

"No, it's not." Heero stated firmly.

Hotaru turned away from him and looked out the window. Her brows furrowed.

"Do you care?"

"Yes, I do."

Hotaru chuckled. She shrugged and played with the silk curtains.

"Too bad." She said, her voice cynical.

Heero walked up behind her and hesitantly touched her shoulder. Hotaru shrank away from the touch as if from the plague. Heero stiffened and removed his hand. He saw just how small Hotaru looked at that point.

"Go away." Hotaru whispered harshly.

"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." Heero said determined.

"I said go away!" Hotaru yelled in desperation.

"You can't run away from you problems!" Heero countered.

"DAMN IT! Don't you think I know that?! They haunt me every waking minute of my life! What the hell would you know about it?! Get the hell out of my room! Now!" Hotaru snapped.

Heero watched as the girl turned around, her violet eyes mad with fear, anger, and pain. Heero stepped back as she exploded. Her words struck him.

"Ho-"

"Get. Out. Now." Hotaru growled through clenched teeth.

Heero back away and walked to the door. Before he closed the door behind him, Heero looked at Hotaru.

"If you need to talk, I'll be there."

With that, Heero left Hotaru with the deafening silence as the girl sank to her knees.

~*~*~ End ~*~*~

That was supposed to be a happy day. But no, it didn't end the way wished. With a sigh, Hotaru walked past the prostitutes. Men catcalled at her but she just simply ignored it. That day, she had let Heero Yuy into her life without knowing it. She still couldn't believe just how easily he made her snap. 

Shaking her head, Hotaru registered that a single drop of water landed on her. Then another... then another. Soon, the sky opened up and the rained pounded the small girl. She looked up to see the clouds blocking the moon and stars. Thunder clashed, but she made no attempt to seek shelter. She just continued to walk down the road. Several homeless men attempted to hide in their cardboard boxes. 

Ignoring the rain, Hotaru walked down the street. She watched as several men continuously beat an old man. She snorted inwardly. Human beings, disgusting creatures. They complain about how there are so many injustices in the world, when they themselves are to blame. So self absorbed with their own problems, too preoccupied to even care about others. And then those same people complain about how there are so many of the homeless and starving and why no one does anything about it. Fools, stupid fools. Human beings polluted the universe with their own stupidity. 

~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru sat in her room on her bed, her knees tucked under her chin. Her violet eyes were filled with unshed tears as she stared blankly at the comforter. She had been living in her new apartment for about two weeks now, and loved the freedom she received. However, either the senshis and boys were at her house, or she was at their house.

Only at night was she truly alone, trapped within the realms of her mind. The moonlight sneaked in through the open blinds and showered her dark room in eerie silver. Silence settled over the room as she remained motionless. 

She dreamt about her. The girl, the blond... every night since that party four week ago. For a while, Hotaru thought she could just push it behind her, well, at least learn to live with it. But about half a week ago, the dreams started. She would be at that party again, hear the scream, run in with Heero, and find the girl in a pool of her own blood. And then the scene would play itself as the girl begged for help. And then she would stand there each time, frozen, unable to decide.

Burying her face in her arms, Hotaru bit her lip as the reminder of her failure came back full force. And that wasn't the end either. She would dream about how she 'died' in her father's lab, the battles as a senshi, all those innocent lives... all those battles... filled with blood... the blood that she could never wash off her hands.

Her fists tightened as she tried to force the memories back. Once again, she failed. Hotaru slowly lay down and stared up at the light purple ceiling. Perhaps this was the way to punish her. No, she knew it was. This was punishment for taking all those innocent lives... for having a destiny that she can never fulfill.

"To balance my destiny, I must live a cursed life."

Hotaru laughed at that statement. She was being punished for something that she never chose to have. Rolling on her side, Hotaru tried to decided whether to stay awake and think about her dreams, or plunge herself into another night of horrific memories. Either way, it was another night of hell.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Hotaru snapped up in surprise. Looking at the clock, Hotaru realized that it was about 2 in the morning. Who the hell would come at such a time?

Rising from her bed, Hotaru walked slowly to the door with a strong grip on a baseball bat. She opened the door and raised the bat.

"Hey! Watch it!"

Hotaru blinked as she recognized the voice. Stepping from the shadows, Heero's Prussian eyes bored into her own. Hotaru sighed in frustration and glared at the man in front of her.

"It's 2 in the morning! What the hell are you doing here?!" Hotaru growled lowly.

"I just got out of the library and decided to check up on you." Heero stated casually.

"Yes, but at 2 in the morning?!" Hotaru asked furious.

"Sorry. Mind if I come in?" Heero asked grinning sheepishly.

Hotaru rolled her eyes and stepped back, letting Heero into her apartment. Heero walked in and sat down on the couch. He looked at her light blue pajama pants and pink top. Cocking a brow, he smirked at her mockingly.

"Not a word." Hotaru threatened as she sat down across from Heero.

Heero merely chuckled and waved his hand dismissively. He studied her. She had bags under her eyes and her violet eyes looked tired and sad. His face was marred from crying. Worry overtook him.

"Are you okay?"

"Why do you keep asking that?!" Hotaru groaned annoyed.

"Because you've been crying."

Hotaru stiffened and looked at Heero. His face was firm with determination but his eyes were soft with concern.

"What do you care?"

"We've been through this before. I do care. Now, what's wrong?" Heero said reprimandingly.

"Nothing."

Heero growled dangerously and moved so that she sat next to her. His Prussian eyes were stormy with frustration and annoyance as Hotaru looked away,

"Hotaru, start telling me the truth." 

"The truth is, it's nothing."

"Hotaru damn it! I'm trying to help" 

"Well you can't help if there's nothing wrong to help with."

Heero moved so that he was kneeling before Hotaru. Slowly, Heero lifted her chin with his hand. His eyes met with a beautiful but sad sight. A single tear slowly made its way down Hotaru's ivory skin and more threatened to spill out in her dim violet eyes. Heero gently wiped away the tear and watched as her violet eyes focused on him.

She seemed like a lost child, just sitting there.

"Doushita?" Heero tried again softly.

Hotaru slowly looked away, unable to take the intensity of his eyes. The silence thickened, and Hotaru knew Heero was still waiting for an answer. With a deep sigh, Hotaru looked at him once again.

"Everything."

Heero sat there motionless as he waited for Hotaru to make a move. A second later, Hotaru sprang into Heero's arms as she sobbed on his chest. Heero shifted so that he was sitting on the couch once more. One arm wrapped itself around Hotaru's waist as the other hand soothed her hair. The small girl just sobbed into his black dress shirt as he whispered gentle words into her ear. He rocked her small and fragile body back and worth as his senses were filled with her hear breaking sobs filled with unimaginable pain.

"Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay."

Hotaru's tears slowed as she heard Heero's low and soothing voice sing. She calmed and listened to his rhythmic heartbeat.

  
"There's always one reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release."

Hotaru, amazingly felt the tears stop dropping. All she could concentrate on was his beautiful voice, so soft and silky. The reason that she had been crying didn't seem so important now. All that was important was Heero's deep and passionate voice. The low rumble in his chest with every word. How each syllable seemed to hold a deeper meaning.

  
"Memory seeps from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight."

Despite herself, Hotaru felt her eyelids get heavy. Just listening to Heero's voice lulled Hotaru to sleep. Heero glanced down at the slumbering girl with a smile. Each deep breath was represented with the rise and fall of her chest. Slowly moving her so that she would not wake, Heero picked her up. Walking into her bedroom, Heero softly laid her upon her bed. Then he tucked the blanket under her chin. A small smile touched the sleeping girl's lips.

Heero soothed her ravenish hair with a loving smile. He slowly bent down and placed a kiss upon her forehead. Then he walked out the room, leaving Hotaru to the most peaceful sleeps she had experienced in a long time.

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

A few men cleared the way for her as Hotaru walked down the street. Her violet eyes looked upon their faces, which were twisted in fear. A smile touched her lips. Mother Nature was very smart in giving death and destruction the form of a young girl, a child even. 

Although no one would believe it, death was innocent, like a child. It passed no judgement upon anyone, like a child. It did not care whether one be old, or black, male or female, it was not unfair, it did what it was told. Death simply was, like a child, neither good nor evil. It was the way that others viewed it, how they judged a child. Death came and went, it left behind perhaps pain, but it taught people to cherish what they have.

No one thought a child was a weapon of destruction or evil, so why did they think Death was evil? Death is a child, the child of Mother Nature. Death simply was, just like a child is neutral, it is neither good nor evil. It is how people teach that child, how human beings use that child, that neutral power that effected them. Death was not intentionally evil or good; it is how humans use death upon each other that was evil.

A child raised in war would only know how to kill and destroy. And those who have suffered blame the child, and not his mentor, the one who taught him, the one who molded him into what he was. A child's mind is pure, it is molded by what they experience, what it is taught.

Death is much like the same way. A man kills another for perhaps greed. No one blames the man, they blame death. They treat death as if it was some force, something to be feared. Death is simply a tool for mankind now a day. Death doesn't take a life just to be evil, it takes a life because another human being willed it so. Death is innocent, death is simply the result of human beings' own faults.

Perhaps she wasn't making sense, but that's how she felt. Through her years as who she was, she began to realize that Death wasn't something to dread. It wasn't something to welcome, it simply was. She looked at it from a child's point of view. A child never blamed someone else when something happened; a child simply sees what happens, and some to accept it. A child saw things through the simplest and clearest form, a child saw something for what it really was.

However now she was no longer a child. She had allowed herself to be corrupted by the world, by other people. Now she was one of them, someone who saw death as either good or evil. She never saw death for what it was anymore, probably because of everything she has been through. Even at a young age, she had the mind and soul of an ancient being. 

Did the gods see this coming? Did they know that she would lose that side of herself? And if so, did they know what she would become? She wasn't perfect anymore. Perfection, it wasn't the ability to kill without emotion, it wasn't a harmonious society. Perfection was the ability to retain the point of view as a child. A child's point of view was the clearest, and not always the simplest. 

A child saw things as they were. They never added on the layers of personal greed or destruction to it. Perhaps that's what makes holding on to being a child so hard, and what made a child's mind so complex to understand. People say that the child's mind is so simple as compared to an adult's, but why then is it that adults often are not able to understand the simple logic of a child?

No matter, the basic and simple fact was, Hotaru was no longer a child. She wasn't strong enough to hold onto that childhood innocence and sense of clarity. Perhaps that was one of the things that drove her to this point. Perhaps... she could remember the day that she lost that clarity. Yes... she could...

~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru screamed as Duo tackled her to the ground. She could hear Michiru and Haruka going crazy over the stunt Duo just pulled. Before she knew what was happening, she felt Duo's weight lifted off of her.

"HARUKA! AHHH! CALM DOWN! WE'RE PLAYING TACKLE FOOTBALL REMEMBER?!"

Hotaru laughed as she looked upon the sight before her. Haruka, as menacing as always, was glaring at Duo full blast with the promise of death in her eyes. Duo however, was a foot off the ground with his collar in Haruka's hands, and his violet eyes were shining with fear. 

"Haruka-papa! Calm down!" Hotaru yelled while giggling.

Haruka's eyes widened at Hotaru's use of her nickname. Hotaru had not called her that since she was 13. And to hear her laughter, that was the greatest prize in the world. After the final battle with Chaos, Hotaru had completely changed. She was cold, emotionless and she never let anyone in. The sound of her laughter was enough.

Reluctantly Haruka let go of the braided one. Duo fell ungracefully on his butt as everyone snickered at him. Suddenly, Michiru stepped on her braid as she flung herself at Hotaru to make sure the dark haired girl was okay. Duo let out a scream of pain and quickly began to kiss and whisper soothing words to his poor messed up braid.

"Hotaru! Are you okay?! Oh my god you shouldn't play football again! Are you okay?! Are you hurt?!" Michiru asked at a million miles an hour.

"Michiru-mama! I'm fine! Calm down!" Hotaru laughed while trying to calm Michiru.

"Michiru! You're such a Mother Hen!" Usagi teased the older woman while she blushed.

"Once a Mother Hen, always a Mother Hen!" Minako mocked with a wink.

"Alright alright! Enough of 'pick on Michiru day'!" Michiru whined uncharacteristically.

Haruka laughed at her lover and dragged both Michiru and Hotaru to the picnic blanket. The other Senshis, save Pluto, and boys were waiting there for them. Duo plopped down next to Makoto and sneaked a kiss from her. Minako and Quatre were flirting again. Hotaru never thought someone as innocent as Quatre can keep up with Minako when it came to flirting. Ami and Trowa were silently talking to Heero and Usagi.

Hotaru felt out of place. She was the only one without a boyfriend... er... a lover in Haruka and Michiru's case. Hotaru watched as Heero stroked her hair lovingly. Hotaru felt a wave of jealousy wash over her. She had come to accept the fact that she was jealous of her princess for having Heero, and she always will be. But she tried to keep it under control.

There were many a nights when Hotaru laid awake, staring up at the ceiling, and just wondering how a man she's known for less than a year can awaken such human emotions within her. The emotions that she had locked away for so long were freed by a man that was cold himself. A complete stranger had melted the ice walls around her heart. She had given herself to man... to man that she could never have.

"Hotaru? Are you in there?" 

Hotaru snapped out of her thoughts once she heard Makoto's voice. Turning her attention to the worried eyes that stared at her in concern, she smiled and took the sandwich that Ami offered her.

Hotaru often wondered how it felt like to be her princess. How if felt to have Heero run his hand through her hair. How it would feel like to have him run the back of his hand across her cheek. She wanted to know how it felt as his lips gently touched hers. Would they be soft and passionate? Or would they be harsh and almost forceful? Either way, she knew she would give herself to him willingly.

Hotaru sighed as she excused herself from the others. There were times when Hotaru thought that Heero cared. He would always sneak glances at her and give her a smile, always. Even if he was in Usagi's arms. Sometimes Hotaru didn't know if Heero really loved Usagi. Sure it seemed like it, but sometimes it appeared as if Heero just wanted to get away from Usagi.

Sometimes Hotaru thought Heero did actually like her, not love, but at least like. They had gotten much closer together since that night he was in her apartment. He told her everything, as she told him everything. He knows all that she has seen as a Sailor Senshi, and she knows everything that he's seen as a Gundam pilot. They trust each other completely.

Hotaru felt a pair of arms wrapped themselves around her waist. She felt her cheeks flare up, but she knew who it was. Only one person has ever hugged her like that before. She felt herself drawing strength from his strong arms.

"Are you okay Ru?" His husky voice asked.

"Y-yeah Heero. I'm fine." Hotaru stuttered.

"You've been going off more than usual. It's beginning to worry me." Heero said smoothly, his voice full of concern.

"I'm fine, really." Hotaru said, but enjoying the safe feeling in his arms.

"Good, rejoin us then?" Heero begged.

"No, I'd rather stay here and enjoy the view for a while." Hotaru said, knowing that he wouldn't leave her.

Heero simply nodded as his gripped on her tightened. The view before them was beautiful. It was a beautiful day, and warm too. They were standing before a beautiful blue lake. Trees with green leaves and flowers in full blossom surrounded them. A moment of peace descended upon them.

"We should go back. The others are probably worried." Heero's voice reminded her.

"Of course." Hotaru said with a sigh.

Heero let go of her waist and Hotaru felt the warmth drain out of her. As they began walking back to the others, Heero grabbed her tiny hand with his own big ones.

And that moment, Hotaru Tomoe knew it...

She had known it all this time before actually...

But then she admitted it to herself....

She, Hotaru Tomoe...

Was in Love....

With Heero Yuy...

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

At that moment, Hotaru felt her innocence fly out the window. She knew that she had lost the ability to see everything like a child. She had unexpectedly, and unknowingly fell into the world of adulthood. Too bad.

Hotaru smiled. She had arrived at her destination. The most surprising thing about this neighborhood was that it had the world's most beautiful beach. Hotaru felt the white sand between her toes as she took off her Tim boots. Slowly, Hotaru walked down to the water's edge.

It was still raining, hard, and the sand was actually pretty sticky. The ocean was a beautiful midnight blue color, kind of like his eyes. The waves were splashing on the beautiful beach as the rain continued to pound on the surface of the water. The cloud overhead rumbled as lightning shattered the darkness.

Even in this pounding rain, with the thunder, Hotaru felt like the silence would suffocate her. Funny how she could be in a room full of people and be alone. Her life was full of ironies really. 

She wanted to end it all. But no, she was cursed with the ability to heal. Damn it why? She couldn't even destroy herself. Sad really, the Goddess of Death and Destruction could not kill herself. Ugh, who would have thought?

Hotaru fell to her knees as the tears began to flow again. She suddenly remembered that day... the day her heart broke in two...

~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru groaned as she picked up her bookbag. Another boring day at school. She knew everything already, so why was she even here?

With the last bell, Hotaru burst forth from the halls of the high school. She looked around. That was strange, Usagi wasn't in school today. Was something wrong with Usagi?

"Hey Hotaru!"

Hotaru turned around to see Heero running towards her. A smile touched her lips as the dark haired youth caught up to her. His face held no emotion but Hotaru could tell that he wanted to ask her something.

"Want a ride home?"

Hotaru simply smiled and nodded. She followed him to his motorcycle and climbed on. The ride was in a comfortable silence, as it usually was between these two.

Hotaru got off the bike and looked at Heero. He was so beautiful. That's it, she was going to risk it all. She couldn't take it anymore. She had kept this a secret for too long now.

Hotaru watched as Heero walked her to the front of her apartment. He smiled at her as Hotaru fidgeted.

"Heero, I have something to tell you."

Heero cocked his head and mentioned for her to go ahead.

"Heero you see... well I... um.... er... since you... I um..."

"Hotaru what's wrong?"

"Nothing it's just that I... I love you." Hotaru said closing her eyes.

"I love you too."

Hotaru's heart fluttered when she heard him say that. She looked up at him with violet eyes full of love and joy. Hotaru smiled and suddenly flung herself into his arms. Before he could react, Hotaru crushed her lips against his. However, Heero only pushed her away,

"Hotaru what?"

Heero's face was one of shock and disbelief. Hotaru stood there, stunned.

"Hotaru what was that about?" Heero asked in surprise.

"I love you. I thought... I thought you said you loved me too...." Hotaru said, tears beginning to sting her eyes.

"Hotaru... I meant as a friend. The kind of love between two friends... I'm sorry..." Heero said.

"Oh..." Hotaru said, her world crashing around her.

"I love Usagi Hotaru. I thought you knew that." Heero pushed further.

"Yea but you're always there and you're..." Hotaru stuttered as she tried to contain a sob.

"I love as a friend... like a brother loves his older sister... I'm sorry Hotaru..."

Hotaru nodded and bit her bottom lip. How could she be so stupid? She let her dreams blind her from the reality. She knew Heero loved Usagi, really she did. But that didn't make the pain any less... Why did he lead her on?

"Ho-"

Hotaru pushed Heero away as the tears started to fall. 

"Leave me alone."

"Hot-"

"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!" The petite girl screamed before running into her apartment and slamming the door behind her. Heero sighed, his eyes pained and slowly walked away.

Hotaru ran into her apartment and collapsed on the bed. This, this was worse than any destiny, a nightmare. This was incomparable to anything. God it hurt, it hurt so bad. Why? What did she do to deserve this? She knew she could never have him, but he led her on. Each kiss, each hug... god why did he do this to her?

Hotaru let the tears fall. She felt herself die, she wanted to die of god how she wanted to die. Only as a sister? Then why did he do all those things for her?

Was she really that blind? God it hurt so much.

When he pushed her away, Hotaru felt her heart break, it shattered, like glass thrown carelessly on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces, and nothing would ever fix it.

She should have known better. She should have known that life would never be easy for her. That she will always suffer. But god why couldn't they just do this for her just this one? Why?

God how she hated him. She hated him so much. She wanted him to die. She wanted him to pay for leading her on, for caring about her, for breaking down those walls.

Who the fuck was she kidding? She loved him. She loved him so much it hurt. She knew that she loved him, but she hated him, loathed him, and dreaded him. She didn't want to ever see another stupid smile on his face; she never wanted to Heero Yuy again.

Oh by the gods it hurt...

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru felt a sob escape. The day that she broke, like a glass figure... just broke. It hurt her too much when she finally heard it from him. God, for months she has been in love with that boy, but no, he loved her like a sister. 

That raised more questions in her mind. Wasn't she good enough? Was she ugly? Stupid? Was she just not good enough? Was she shit? 

She hated what she had done to her. He made her insecure. He made her question herself, and no one has ever done that before. He made her feel so loved and beautiful, and yet so disguising and ugly. How could one person make her feel that way? 

She remembered her escape...

~*~*~Flashback ~*~*~  
Hotaru walked into the bathroom. Her once spotless apartment was a wreck. Broken glass and furniture laid everywhere. Paper, garbage, her apartment was completely destroyed.

She looked at herself in the mirror. It had been two days since he told her that. She hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, and hadn't gone to school. She hadn't showered, her hair was messed up, and she was wearing the same thing...

Suddenly something shiny caught Hotaru's attention. The girl carefully picked up the razor in the medicine cabinet. God everything hurt... maybe she could get away from it all... you know... just end it.

Hotaru shook her head and walked away. No, that would be the coward's way out. She looked at it once again. Was it really the coward's way out? It took a lot of strength to do it, and right now, she had nothing to lose, and everything to gain... wells almost nothing to lose. She would lose life in this god damn fucked up world. But then again, that's what she wanted.

Hotaru walked back to the medicine cabinet and took out the razor with shaking hands. She never thought she would do this, she never thought it would come down to this. Suicide? It was the coward's way out, but right now she didn't give a fuck. Anything to stop the pain... anything.

Hotaru's hand shook as she carefully pressed the blade to her wrist. She closed her eyes as tear slid down her cheek. She was sorry to Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa. So sorry she wasn't stronger. So sorry that she had her for a daughter... they deserved so much better.

Then with a smile, Hotaru pressed down hard and the blade cut into her flesh. She watched for a second in amazement as the dark red blood poured forth from the deep cut. Then she turned her attention to her other wrist. Might as well do this right.

Quickly she but her right wrist as well. Immediately she began to feel dizzy. Her knees went weak as her legs collapsed from underneath her. She watched with joy as the blood stained the beautiful white tile floors of her bathroom. She could feel her heart slowing down... god she would finally be free.

__

See you in hell Heero Yuy....

Then... all was dark.

~^~^~ 

Hotaru groaned as her head exploded with pain. She opened her eyes and looked around. She was still in her bathroom... what the hell?

Hotaru sat up and saw that her clothes and the floor were stained with blood. She then looked down at her wrists and gasped. 

There were no cuts... only two visible scars. What?

Hotaru cursed as she remembered her ability. She thought that it wasn't to that point yet... but it was. Basically, Hotaru couldn't die. Not even if she wanted to.

"Is this so cruel sick joke?" She asked bitterly as another tear fell from her eyes. She was destined to live in hell, forever.

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru sat on the beach. The rain had stopped and the clouds were clearing. She had realized how cruel the fates were to her. Always in pain. It was then she realized that Heero Yuy drove her to that point.

Humans, filthy, disgusting creatures that walked the earth. They didn't deserve to be alive. Human emotions, human beings, all so useless. It only got in the way of everything, especially human beings. Disgusting animals. She was a human being, and she was totally disgusted with herself. Humans were the source of all the pain on earth, truly they were. Global warming causing pain to innocent animals? Humans. Destruction of the rainforest and habitat for countless beautiful animals? Humans. Humans killed each other, hurt each other, and destroyed each other. It would be a matter of time before they destroyed themselves.

Sometimes she wished she could just destroy all humans. But she couldn't. She was supposed to protect people. Ironic wasn't it? Another messed up twist in fate.

Heero Yuy broke her. He made her weak, he made her disgusting, he made her... what she was today. Even now he haunts her. He always haunts her. To the end of time he will haunt her. At least she got some justice in the end.

  
A sad but also joyful smile touched her lips as she remembered that day... that day that made her the most happiest person in all the world... the day that she damned herself to hell... and the day that she would hate herself for the rest of eternity.

~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~

Heero sighed as he walked along the road in the park. It's been two days since he told Hotaru how he felt about her, as a friend. He knew he broke her heart, he knew he hurt her so badly.

It wasn't his intention. It's never his intention to hurt anyone, less of all Hotaru. He had come to love her, as a little sister, and he wanted to kill anyone that would hurt Hotaru. But he had done it in the end.

She hadn't been to school in 2 days. None of the Senshis heard anything from her either. Needless to say, all of them were shocked when he told them what had happened. Haruka and Michiru still weren't talking to him, they believed he led her on. The other Senshis, were a little more understanding. 

Usagi had been with him throughout it all. But her heart still went out to the youngest of her protectors. It hurt her to see Hotaru in pain, just as it pains Heero.

Heero sighed again as he kept his head down. He was so confused about it all. He never meant to hurt her, swear to god he didn't. He cared so much about her... too bad it had to end like this...

Suddenly Heero's body exploded in pain as he bit his bottom lips to keep from screaming. He looked to his left to see a huge purple ball of energy push him against an ancient oak tree. The energy was so dark... it was almost black. His body went numb as he slowly slid to the grass. It became hard to breathe; he probably had a few broken ribs.

His vision was unclear; he could barely make out any shapes. What had attacked him? Who attacked him? From what he heard about yomas from Usagi, it was probably one.

Heero could hear faint footsteps as he painfully turned his head to his left. He could make out a figure, short... human... it wasn't a monster... it was all too human...

"Well well well, what do we have here."

Heero's brow furrowed. The voice... it was so cold... so blank... so emotionless. There wasn't a trace of anything... it was... just... scary... 

But it seemed familiar. As if he had heard it from somewhere before... a voice that he knew well. But who was it? Who could possess magical abilities, and has the prefect soldier monotone?

A face appeared in his line of vision. He saw short hair cascading around the person's face as their looked at him intently. As his vision cleared, he could make out that the hair was dark... ravenish... almost black. Their eyes were dark as well, and dim. But he could tell they were filled with hatred and loathing, for him. His heart constricted, only one person filled those criteria....

"Hotaru..." Heero whispered as the person kicked his already broken ribs.

"It's Saturn Yuy. Saturn."

Heero groaned as the girl he had come to see as a little sister kick him repeatedly. He knew he had severe internal injuries.

"H-Hot-taru... w-w-why?" Heero asked as he coughed violently.

"Because of how much you've hurt me Yuy." Saturn said as her voice cracked.

"I-I...m sorry... I... I never meant to-to do it." 

Saturn bent down so that she was kneeling next to him. She grabbed his chin and pulled him to her violently. Heero groaned at the pain shooting up his back as he stared into the face that he has come to know. She was so different. Nothing was in her eyes, as if a vacuum just sucked everything dry. A shaky hand slowly touched Saturn's smooth and ivory skin.

Saturn flinched away from his touch as she stepped back. Her violet eyes showed no regret as she regarded the broken man before her. A gentle hand stroked his cheek, almost lovingly.

"Why did you have to do this to me?" She asked.

"D-do what?"

"Why did you make me think you loved me?" Saturn asked desperately, her voice cracking.

"I-I d-do lo-ve you. J-just not the wa-way you think." Heero answered with a smile.

"I'm sorry Heero. Aishiteru..." Saturn croaked.

Heero smiled at her and closed his eyes. 

"DAMN IT HEER YUY I HATE YOU!"

Saturn grabbed Heero around the neck and threw him across the park. Her eyes glowed an eerie violet as her glaive materialized attached to the ground at an angle. Heero Yuy let out a groan as the sharp glaive pierced his chest from behind. He sank a few inches before lying completely still.

Saturn walked over to him, her eyes blank. She had just killed him...

His face was calm and serene and his eyes were closed. The glaive stuck out a few inches from his chest. She turned away and walked off. They will find him like that, with her glaive through his chest. No matter.

As she walked away, a single tear dropped from her crystal eyes. She never looked back.

~*~*~ End Flashback ~*~*~

Hotaru watched as the sun began to peek from the horizon. The sky was bright in a vibrant display of orange, yellow, purple and red as the new day began. The clouds were completely gone.

Minutes later, Usagi had found Heero in the park. They were suppose to meet exactly when Hotaru killed Heero, but Usagi was running late. Her scream filled the air; Hotaru had heard her five blocks down.

The police had reported that it was a mugging gone wrong, since they did not find the murder weapon. Hotaru watched in the shadows as Haruka pulled the bloody glaive from the dead body. Usagi had sobbed for a week straight. She learned later that Usagi had gone into shock, and she still wasn't out of it... even though it's been 6 months since she committed the horrible crime.

The boys and senshis tried to find her of course, but they never did. She had simply left the apartment, without a word. She supposed they found her wretch of an apartment, and the blood. She had kept her power down, so no one could trace her, not even Pluto.

She has not seen them since then. She completely cut herself off from them. She couldn't go back, not after the blood on her hands. 

She had sinned beyond description this time. She couldn't even bare to look in the mirror. She wish she was dead, she really did.

Heero had hurt her bad, so bad. She still loved him, some part of her did, a very little part of her. But now, she mostly hated him. With almost every fiber of her being. Heero Yuy drove her to become such a disguising creature. Everything she was somehow connected to him.

Hotaru watched as a group of men raped a young girl further down the beach. She had not been around for every long, not even 25 years with all the times she had been reborn and such, but she found it that deep in her heart, she hated human beings. Humans, so ugly. They pollute the world with their presence. They attacked each other and other kinds without thought. They never considered the effect of their actions on others. They were selfish and greedy creatures... all of them. Their presence is what made the world imperfect. 

Suddenly a twinkle appeared in the Senshi's eyes. To end her pain... to end all the imperfections... that's what her destiny was... that's what her destiny meant. In order to end her pain and all that haunts her... she must end the source of it. 

Hotaru suddenly stood with a new gleam in her eyes. She held up her transformation stick and yelled the words she had not uttered in so long.

"SATURN CRYSTAL MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A purple glow surrounded the girl. As it died down, Sailor Saturn stood in her place. She knew that the other Senshis could sense her now, but that did not matter. Nothing mattered. 

Her glaive materialized in her hand. She smiled sadly as she prepared her final attack. She took one last look at the beautiful sunrise...

"DEATH.....! REBORN....! EVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Silence settled over the entire planet as everything went still and time itself slowed down. Then, a massive energy ball erupted from Saturn's glaive and engulfed everything. A bright light settled over the entire universe... 

~*~*~

There was nothing... absolutely nothing. Not a single rock, and no light. There was simply a void, a void where there was nothing but emptiness. There were no planets, no stars... nothing...

In the very center of it all, there was a dull purple light. The bubble that held a battered girl created it.

Her fuku was torn as her violet eyes scanned over what was left of the universe. Nothing, absolutely nothing. She had destroyed it all, everything... all life.

Slowly she lay down in her bubble in the black void. A smile touched her lips.

She had finally fulfilled her destiny...

Violet eyes closed as the lone survivor finally rested in peace.

It has finally been achieved...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Silence...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Perfection...

...

...  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well damn. It's finished. It's taken me 3 weeks to finish this one shot, and god damn it, it turned out the way I wanted it to. Sorry to say but I really don't care if you guys hated it, well not much anyways.

However please tell me what you thought of it. I want the honest truth, was it bad? Was it one of the most disgusting pieces of writing you've ever seen? Tell me!

Sorry if I seemed like I think we human beings suck. It's just once in while, life does stick, and I hate people sometimes. Yes, I've been known to be antisocial.

But please tell me what you think. Please tell me. I really want to know. I'm sorry if that seemed a little to angsty, too violent or too much cursing or anything. I'm sorry guys if that offended you, but its Rated R for a reason. 

I love Hotaru and Heero couple of course. But I wanted to try something new. Still Hotaru/Heero all the way!

I love Hotaru and so I didn't want her to suffer. But things had to be done.

BTW: Papercut, all the little wounds add up. Just because they're small and you can't see them, that doesn't mean that when there's so many, it doesn't hurt. Each one counts, and each one adds to the pain.

Started: Thursday, February 28, 2002 9:31:02 PM

Finished: Tuesday, March 19, 2002 3:15 PM

Word count: 16, 342

Pages: 50


End file.
